A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

  by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

  As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
  legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
  that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer
  the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
  merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important
  area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century
  physics.

  We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
  together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
  conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging
  of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
  suggested list of warnings appears below.

  WARNING
    This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

  WARNING
    This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
    Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
    Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional
    to the Distance Between Them.

  CAUTION
    The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
    Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

  HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE
    This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving
    at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

  CONSUMER NOTICE
    Because of the ``Uncertainty Principle'', It Is Impossible for the
    Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
    Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

  ADVISORY
    There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process
    Know as Tunneling, This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its
    Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
    Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
    Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

  READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE
    According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified
    Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay
    to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

  THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT
    In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter
    in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

  PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW
    Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the
    Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied
    Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately
    Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

  NOTE
    The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
    by a Gluing Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
    Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

  ATTENTION
    Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
    Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
    99.9999999999% Empty Space.

  NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER
    The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This
    Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That
    This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
    Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are Rolled
    Up into Such a Small Area That They Cannot Be Detected.

  PLEASE NOTE
    Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not
    Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist
    Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

  COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE
    The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This
    Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those
    Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the
    Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

  HEALTH WARNING
    Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and
    Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

  IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS
    The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day
    Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another
    Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in
    That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

  Path: usage.csd.unsw.oz.au!metro!munnari.oz.au!samsung!sdd.hp.com!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!decwrl!looking!funny-request
  From: md@marvin.hq.ileaf.com (Mark Dionne x5551)
  Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny 
  Subject: A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels 
  Keywords: funny, science 
  Message-ID:  
  Date: 18 Mar 91 00:30:04 GMT Lines: 106
  Approved: funny@looking.on.ca

  (The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible
  Results.  Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
  3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141 Individual US Subscriptions $12.00
  Reproduced with permission.)

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