Generic Sysadmin Report

                  Generic Sysadmin Report
             /* v0.1, cockrell@cybercash.com */

          The following broke today.  (check all that apply)

  [ ] FTP/WWW site       [ ] Firewall                  [ ] physical network
  [ ] Windows NT Server  [ ] Lotus Notes SMTP gateway  [ ] Novell LAN
  [ ] sendmail           [ ] Router                    [ ] mainframe
  [ ] printer            [ ] Big Boss' machine         [ ] UNIX box
  [ ] ______________'s pr0n archive     [ ] Database server
  [ ] Exabyte 8mm tape drive            [ ] RAID array
  [ ] something of greater complexity than I can describe in small
      enough words for management to understand
  [ ] other _______________________________

   ___ repeatedly.

   ___ for the _______ time in the past
       ___ hour.
       ___ day.
       ___ month.
       ___ year.

   ___ after normal working hours.
       ___ but during my normal working hours.
           ___ because I'm a loser with no life.
           ___ because I can only get things done when no one else is around.
           ___ because everybody dumps their problems on me.
       ___ and I was the only one left in the office.  
           ___ again.
       ___ and right as I was about to leave.

   ___ as I was doing something important.
       ___ playing a game.
           ___ nethack.
           ___ netrek.
           ___ tetris.
           ___ MUD/MOO.
           ___ all of the above.
               ___ at the same time.
       ___ reading news.
       ___ downloading pr0n.
       ___ W3B SURF1NG, D00D!!!!111!1
           ___ with telnet.
           ___ with lynx.
           ___ with netscape.
               ___ and image loading was turned off.
           ___ with MSIE.
               ___ and I was reading my personally autographed copy
                   of _The Road Ahead_, by Bill Gates.
       ___ working on my resume.
       ___ thinking up this stupid form.

   ___ as I was working.

   ___ I didn't want to fix it because
       ___ I didn't know how.
       ___ I didn't care.
       ___ It wasn't my fscking problem.
       ___ I had an interview to go to.
       ___ I hoped no one would notice.

   ___ I fixed it
       ___ even though it wasn't my problem.
       ___ even though I think the product is crap.
           ___ and have told management my opinion.
               ___ and offered an alternative.
                   ___ and was ignored.
                       ___ repeatedly.
       ___ because I needed to print my resume with it.
       ___ because the "real" admin didn't know how.
       ___ because I was offered a bribe of (check all that apply)
           ___ chocolate.
           ___ beer.
           ___ sex.
               ___ and they were cute, too.
           ___ cash.
           ___ buffered analgesics.
               ___ I just checked that so I could say "anal", huh-huh.
           ___ pizza.
       ___ because I would get fired if I didn't.
           ___ on second thought, let me break it again....
       ___ by powercycling it.
           ___ repeatedly.
               ___ with a sledgehammer.
       ___ by reading the manual.
           ___ and throwing away the useless manual and figuring
               it out myself.
       ___ by sacrificing an animal to Cthulu.
       ___ and I could tell you how I fixed it, but
           ___ then I'd have to kill you.
           ___ you wouldn't understand.
           ___ I don't know how I fixed it.

   ___ The people who I fixed this for
       ___ will shower me with praise and affection for my quick
           thinking and extreme dedication to my work.
           ___ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
       ___ won't notice that anything was ever broken.
           ___ even though the entire company could have gone down in flames.
       ___ will whine that it was broken, even if it didn't affect them.
       ___ are an ungrateful bunch of twits.
       ___ can hitch a ride on the next comet for all I care.
       ___ shouldn't walk by any clock towers anytime soon.

   ___ I am now going
       ___ home to get a good night's sleep.
       ___ home to get an hour of sleep before those twits page me again.
       ___ to begin drinking heavily.
           ___ again.
       ___ to DisneyWorld!
       ___ to the local mental hospital.
           ___ in a straitjacket.
               ___ while heavily sedated.

   Additional comments:

  original form by ljc, 5/22/97